Feeding Children

As I sit here at my computer reflecting upon the day’s events, I wonder: How did our ancestors manage to feed their children? Seriously. I have the privilege of being born in the 21st century United States, in which there’s a plethora of exotic fruits, colorful vegetables, savory meats, pastas of all shapes and sizes, beverages of any flavor, and yet – my kids often won’t touch ANY OF IT!

How could Homo sapiens have survived so many years when all Benji eats is Pediasure, pretzel sticks (on a good day), and key-lime flavored yogurt!?

I think about the legendary Mongolian horde that managed to create the largest contiguous empire in known history. They drank fermented horse milk and ate cheese, plus whatever they could find along the arid steppe during the short period of fair weather they had, and ate horses during the 9 MONTHS OF GODDAMNED WINTER! I don’t understand how they raised their children into such a force that could manage to wreak terror and calamity on so many civilizations. Did they just absorb sunlight? Were they secretly demigods or Super Saiyans? What are we doing wrong in the First World?

So Benji managed to eat the lime yogurt, and two tiny oranges (but he pushed back quite a bit). He then started testing Newton’s theory of gravity on whatever he could get his hands on. We sat him down on the floor to make him clean up the mess, but he managed to do his magic trick of turning his body into a bouncy rubber tube. No matter what I did to get him to pick up his mess, it made him laugh. Even turning away so he couldn’t see my face made him laugh harder. Thankfully, Jess saw that he was in one of those “lost it” states, and grabbed him, wrapped him in his weighted blanket, and lied down with him in the rocking chair to sing to him. He eventually calmed down.

I tried to finish “dinner” with some Enfamil I saw at the store. But alas! I fucked up. I purchased strawberry flavored. As I suspected, he hated it. WHY DID I NOT DOUBLE CHECK THE LABEL!? Chocolate! Chocolate you knucklehead! So, yeah whatever calories he managed to consume at dinner were likely burned off in the ensuing conniptions.

What the hell? Why am I still awake. Bye.

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